Are you married yet?!

Friday 06/July/2007

How do I start this? I never think I going to write it on the first place. But when you getting older, a lot of people will ask you one common question:”When you will get married?”
And usually I will answer it as simple as I can just to kill the conversation such as:
1.”Nobody loves me”
2.”I am too busy”
3.”I don’t want to get marry yet”

But whatever answer I gave, I still got a lot of complaint such as
1.”Nobody loves you or you always reject people”
2.”You getting older, hurry up marry and get baby!”
3.”You must work hard to get marry” (I hate this the most)
4.”How about I introduced you to this guy…bla..bla.. (I also hate this)

Actually I do have my own answer, the long one. Maybe it will take a lot of time to explain it but I hope I can simplify it in this blog. But I knew, there still a lot of complaint if I explain it during conversation, so I just write up everything so whenever people ask me question, I can say “Please refer to my blog”. Ha ha ha.

Reason I don’t want to get marry yet. Is not like I hate marriage or what, but I always pray to God.”If You see I am capable to be a wife and mother, please send me a good guy. If not, please don’t. I don’t want to ruin my family”. So can I assume that my prayer is heard and for this time being I am not capable enough to hold that responsibility?

Why is that so?!Let me clear this up. I was born in happy family. I experienced being happy child, when my parent can give a lot of love and money. I ate well, have a lot of toys where I ended up ruined it all. Then a few years after that, my family getting bigger and bigger and “something bad” happens. Our economic condition is ruined and our loves seem like cracked.

I try my best to survive same goes with my family. I experienced starving and almost a lot of bad things. There are some days when my younger brother asks me,” Along, I am hungry. What should we eat?”Sometimes I took my scholarship (was not much at that time, rm600 per year) where I allocate my budget for books to buy rice and food. I still heard that voice in my heart right now, what a lovely day I tasted .I can still see how my brother ate rice mixed with salt happily. Some people feel pity of us and gave clothes or something. I hate to bear it, but I can’t refuse it.

My mom working hard every day, even she was sick. She working at several factories and facing a lot of trouble with her health but she keeps working until I decide to stop my study and help her. But I can’t when she crying and said,” If you want to makes me happy, please study. As long as I still alive, I will make sure you can study”. That time is very hard, I still cry when I remember it .To enter university, I need to collect money for my own. But I still feel stupid choosing to enter private university without scholarship while you can ask for it.

I went through it successfully. My mom always inspires me. All her words like quote to me surrounding me every day.”If you feel bad, there is somebody who experienced worst than us”. “Be thankful, even we are poor but still we can be a good human”.”Don’t give up whenever you feel trouble, because our life is like climbing mountain. The most difficult part is when you are close to the top” (she always says this, so I always keep trying even the difficulties seem never end).She said something precise to me almost the time.

Sometimes when examination I always say I could not answer the question well. But my mom said “You do answer it right?”.
”Yes, but I am not sure the answer.”
“Don’t worry. At least you answer it. Don’t give up “she simply makes me calm.

My mom tried her best. She lets me enjoy my life as simple as it is. I still remember when our house went down dump by durian tree. It was fasting month, and we still three day before Raya. It was very sad and the house still likes that until now because we don’t have money to build new one. But we still celebrate Hari Raya, happily.

Now I am working, so we are less worry about finance. I want to get a lot of money so my sisters and brothers will not suffer as I did. At least they will not worry much. I am happy, happy with all that I’ve learned.

Then when I am thinking, I should not worry about something that I could not see it sign yet, for example marriage. If I was tackle by many guys, maybe I should put it in my priority list. But it seems I don’t have to worry about that yet. Let‘s other people who questioning me worry about that.

For me, our objective in life is not achieved simply by getting married. If that so, is it mean our life is destroyed when we divorce? I would like to appreciate everything around me. Our life is simple if we think so. Every little thing that happen around me makes me wants to work harder.

Being a wife, mother is really big responsibility. I don’t want to take that because of afraid being lonely or because other people asked me. If I want to get married, it is because I want to. I don’t want to decide and then regret. I want my family will be happy for me and I want to accept them as they are. So many people are regretting in their life. I don’t want to be the one. If my husband divorced me, I will not regret marrying him. I will not blame anyone, because it is my decision in first place. I hope I can be strong more than that.

I did not mean I hate marriage. If I get married I will be happy, if not I want to be happy too. I want to be happy for every single day. I want to love everybody. That’s it. There lot things I must accomplish before someone ask me to be his wife. Right now, let’s be thankful in our situation. Que Sera Sera….

Mom: “Why don’t you search someone who can take care of you?”
Me: “Why do I? I can take care of myself”
Mom:”Then I will pray hard for you”
Me:*Sigh* (How can I resist my mom right?!)