Heart to Craddle

My weakness is I always afraid of love. Stay together with my family makes me feel even weaker. Just always worry whether I able to be a good daughter, good big sister. I always cry when I think about it.

When little sister did something false, I am not sure whether I should yell or just keep quite. If my father said something I am not sure how to act. When I laugh together with my mother, I just wondering whether I am doing the right thing or not? Indeed, love is something that I am not sure. Yet still I set prayer, “God please bless my parents, my siblings and my friends…”

Being a sister, a child is forever task. No MC, no annual leave. Sometimes I think that’s why we need to consider it a lot before building a family because there is no turning back. Honestly, besides feeling hurt and all those tears I am happy become one of family member. I am happy to see their smile and I always longing for that.

But love is that, I am not sure whether I am right or wrong. Sometimes I wanted to hold their heart but without realize I squeezed it so tightly until it broken.
Sometimes if I got problem, I wanted to shout, to cry freely but then my mother will look at me sadly which makes me feel guilty. Dear mom, can I cry? Can you let me shout and cry for a little bit? You should know that I feel tired not because of you, but just because I tried to run fast.

So give me a break. When I stayed at KL, I can cry freely until I feel calm down. If my mom calls I can just simply lie that I got flu. But here, I don’t know where to hide this sad ugly face. People always want to see happy face, so where can I cry?

Don’t worry mom, if I come back home late. Just pray for my safety, just let me cry so I can go home cheerfully as your daughter.

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